30% Chance Of Showers

You know it kills me when the weatherman here says there's a 30% chance of showers. You can usually count on it raining buckets when they say this. And true to form it began to rain a few hours ago. It probably won't stop until Sunday night lol. It doesn't bother me much because as usual I'm working this weekend. I need to do something about that soon though because summer is coming and I want time with N and the kids. I'm hoping to be able to get out more with them all and go do things. Even cheap/no cost type of things ya know? Some of my best memories from growing up are things we did as a family and oddly enough they were things that didn't cost much if anything at all.

All Good Things Come To An End

I'm feeling a bit out of sorts today. An online community that I've been a member of for quite a while shut down yesterday. While I understand the owners need to do this I'm still very sad about it. It served a lot of purpose while it was up and running. Mainly for me it started out as a place for healing old wounds and rifts. It was a melting pot. So many different lives brought together in one community. I didn't always agree or like what was said by some but it was enlightening to see other points of view. It seems as though we're a divided community now. Some staying behind at another site that was created and some taking off for parts unknown. I'll miss things as they were but I respect why it had to be done.

I Can Smell It Coming

Change.......

I've been feeling so grumpy lately. I need a vacation. Even a mini vacation would help. However, I'm not the type to up and leave the kids and husband even for a weekend. When I think about skipping town for the weekend I'm hit with guilt. My kids never get to go on vacations. With our work schedules it's hard for us to even schedule a family dinner without a lot of planning. I hate that. I hate that these days I can't "bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan"... I feel like a failure as a wife and mother. I spend a lot of time lately being very resentful for the lack of help I get around here. While I agree that nobody is a mind reader it's beyond me how they can just ignore that the trash is overflowing or that the yard looks terrible and just go on with their lives. Sure I get indignant but what good does it do me? I just get madder and my stress level goes up and I can't even be approached then. I go to bed angry and I wake up angry. Now some would say maybe I need to go back on medication. The truth is I was on medication for a year. Yes, I did seem like a care free person then. The fact of the matter is, I was medicated and flat out didn't give a damn. I can't live like that. Things have to matter to me. I have to feel alive. Granted, I'm not knocking anti-deps here. I think for some they're a crucial part of daily life and I'm all fine with that. They're just not for me. So now I'm trying to muddle through some issues and I hope and pray when it's all said and done that there's a bit of harmony around here. My job is a huge source of stress these days. With hour cuts and throat cuts it's not a nice place to be anymore. Instead of enjoying the free time I have now all I do is stress over the lack of hours and money. I'm tired of handling that all by myself but I'm not sure the control freak in me can hand it over. I'd probably be a bigger mess. And things here at home aren't at their best either. My oldest has become a jerk and I hate it. His girlfriend and her family can do no wrong in his eyes. He acts as if this is just someplace to come sleep and get his laundry done. I know he's growing up and wants his freedoms but it still hurts. I feel that his father and I failed him miserably when it really counted. We were too caught up in fighting amongst ourselves and he endured a lot of undue stress because his parents were idiots. Now he's getting even....or so it feels like it. I had this unrealistic view of how the home unit should be. I saw visions of Ozzie and Harriet, Ricky and Lucy, Charles and Caroline Ingalls...and ended up with something closer to Dan and Roseanne. But hey! We put the FUN in dysfunction!

The Difference Between Women And Little Girls

Last week I commented on a blog that I regularly read. It wasn't a very positive comment but then again it wasn't a very positive blog entry. This person spends most their time whining about what they don't have and does very little to actually get some of those things. On the flip side of that I have a friend whose husband is dying because of a malignant brain tumor. This is a man she met after going through a horrible marriage. She was on her own raising two children with very little to do so. Many nights she went without eating just so she could make sure her children ate. She literally worked her way out of it with an incredible amount of sacrifice and hard work. There was no fairy god mother there to wave a wand over her and make it all better. She had to bust her ass to pull out of that. So.. back to my story here....She met the love of her life. He was a kind, gentle soul and they began their fairytale. Life wasn't always easy but they got through it. Life never threw them anything that they couldn't overcome. Until a few months ago. He was diagnosed with the brain tumor. An aggressive tumor. One that despite chemo and other treatments, he will die. Who knows when? Could be today.. Could be next month. But his life is cut short and their happily ever after is ruined. Tell me where the fairness is there? This isn't some tit whining about how she hates her inlaws and doesn't want to get an outside job or put her child in daycare. This is a woman who will have one of the biggest losses life has to throw at a person. WHY!? I've asked myself that a thousand times. Why him? Why her? Why them!? And the funny thing is, she is not asking why. She's not throwing a fit and demanding that life go differently. No, not this woman. She's stepping up to the plate, handling what she can, and spending every possible moment with her husband before he's gone. She's the epitome of grace and courage. I only hope if I'm ever faced with such tragedy in my life that I can muster half the courage and grace that this woman has shown.