I've been feeling so grumpy lately. I need a vacation. Even a mini vacation would help. However, I'm not the type to up and leave the kids and husband even for a weekend. When I think about skipping town for the weekend I'm hit with guilt. My kids never get to go on vacations. With our work schedules it's hard for us to even schedule a family dinner without a lot of planning. I hate that. I hate that these days I can't "bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan"... I feel like a failure as a wife and mother. I spend a lot of time lately being very resentful for the lack of help I get around here. While I agree that nobody is a mind reader it's beyond me how they can just ignore that the trash is overflowing or that the yard looks terrible and just go on with their lives. Sure I get indignant but what good does it do me? I just get madder and my stress level goes up and I can't even be approached then. I go to bed angry and I wake up angry. Now some would say maybe I need to go back on medication. The truth is I was on medication for a year. Yes, I did seem like a care free person then. The fact of the matter is, I was medicated and flat out didn't give a damn. I can't live like that. Things have to matter to me. I have to feel alive. Granted, I'm not knocking anti-deps here. I think for some they're a crucial part of daily life and I'm all fine with that. They're just not for me. So now I'm trying to muddle through some issues and I hope and pray when it's all said and done that there's a bit of harmony around here. My job is a huge source of stress these days. With hour cuts and throat cuts it's not a nice place to be anymore. Instead of enjoying the free time I have now all I do is stress over the lack of hours and money. I'm tired of handling that all by myself but I'm not sure the control freak in me can hand it over. I'd probably be a bigger mess. And things here at home aren't at their best either. My oldest has become a jerk and I hate it. His girlfriend and her family can do no wrong in his eyes. He acts as if this is just someplace to come sleep and get his laundry done. I know he's growing up and wants his freedoms but it still hurts. I feel that his father and I failed him miserably when it really counted. We were too caught up in fighting amongst ourselves and he endured a lot of undue stress because his parents were idiots. Now he's getting even....or so it feels like it. I had this unrealistic view of how the home unit should be. I saw visions of Ozzie and Harriet, Ricky and Lucy, Charles and Caroline Ingalls...and ended up with something closer to Dan and Roseanne. But hey! We put the FUN in dysfunction!